How to decode and interpret what people really feel in Asia

One of the greatest challenges a westerner faces when he works in Asia for the first time is trying to get a straight answer. This is because most Asians are uncomfortable giving a direct response for fear of offending or upsetting the other party. To be polite and to avoid conflict, Asians will often say “yes” when they mean “no”, but they assume that the person they are addressing will understand them through their body language and the context in which they are speaking. The challenge for westerners is to recognize when “yes” is a polite “yes” that actually means “no”. It is thus important to pay attention to qualifiers, facial expressions and body language.

If not treated carefully, this phenomenon can create a whole catalogue of disasters, especially in the arena of Powerpoint presentations to senior western management. This is often used as the “be all and end all” process for determining the right correct course of strategic action, especially when things are not going well and when the senior management is suddenly blessed with the divine gift of local expertise. They whip themselves up into a frenzy demanding and proposing immediate solutions, which are largely improbable or impractical. Then the pivotal moment arrives as they ask the Asian presenter if this solution can be executed. In most cases, I have seen the Asian presenter give a qualified “yes” to avoid saying “no”. The senior western management then seem satisfied that they have “added value” to the local company, enjoy their flight home and happily report back to their superiors that they have now “fixed” that issue that was bothering everyone in that Asian country. Suddenly the improbable solution has become a reality. Very dangerous! Now it is pretty much too late to go back and say, “Actually, you know that course of action you proposed, it’s really not going to work!”

That is why I always advise clients to be extremely careful when it comes to Yes and No in Asia. You really need to supercharge the antennae to sense what your Asian partner, customer or employee is telling you. When I worked in Sri Lanka, the body signal denoting agreement was mainly through waggling one’s head. Over time, I realized that there were three distinct waggles, which only experience could detect: the confident, clear “Yes” waggle meaning “You are absolutely right” to the rather hesitant “Yes” waggle meaning “I’m not entirely sure you are correct” to the most difficult “Yes” waggle meaning “I’ve never heard such a stupid idea! ” After almost 3 years working there, I would often find myself waggling my head in business meetings without being fully aware of it.

As for the Chinese, they can speak in euphemisms and often by circumlocution. This is especially true when they speak humbly. If a Chinese person says he does not feel qualified for a particular responsibility, he does not mean it. What he means is that he is qualified but humble. It is for the listener to perceive the virtue in his humility and then to convince him of his worthiness. To accept his protestations at face value might be to make an enemy.

This is probably one of the most common forms of misunderstanding between Westerners and Asians. This is yet another paradox.

“I never lie to you but I don’t tell you the truth”

Vague phrases such as “In principle it is ok” or “I will do my best” are used to avoid using the confronting word “No” and why they often prefer to pass on messages through intermediaries.

So, what can be done to help the process of distinguishing Yes and No? Well firstly, it is always better to have a private conversation. This is the most common way of communication that leads to both learning and face-saving. Also, if you are ever unsure of the answer that has been given, probe the opposite point. If that elicits a different sort of “yes” – with affirmative nonverbal indicators – the first ”yes” probably meant “no”. Silence can also play an important role. In Asia silence is active, not passive: it designates thought, not disengagement. By remaining silent to a “Yes” or a “No” and not rushing ahead, it allows time for the respondent to qualify their point and potentially to save face.

It is Friday evening here in Singapore and I’m about to go out for dinner with my wife. Does she look beautiful? Yes. Do I love her? Yes. Do I listen to all her concerns? Yes. Can she detect when I am just saying Yes for the sake of saying Yes? Yes! You see it’s not such an Asian phenomenon. It has existed between Man and Woman since Adam and Eve!

Fred Combe www.natus.com.sg

March 2007 fred@natus.com.sg